The Observer Reports

Entry: Behavioral Practices- Interaction with Water

The species in the western hemisphere of this planet appear to engage frequently with large volumes of liquid they call “water” for two main purposes: that of pleasure, and that of hygiene.

Water Pleasure Activity:

There are large natural bodies of water on this planet. The largest bodies of water are infused with sodium (linguistic term “ocean”), while the smaller bodies of water are free of sodium (linguistic term “river,” or “lake,” and “pool”). This species utilizes these bodies of water for their own pleasure and entertainment purposes. Some observed forms of entertainment include completing immersing the physical body into water and moving limbs, hands, and feet so that the water splashes but the head is above the surface. Additional activities include gliding on top of the water on large and small cylindrical shaped objects, or diving under the surface of water for short periods of time. During these activities, this species will generally adorn themselves with small bits of fabric that only cover their middle mound, fat sacks, dangling sack, and fleshy stick.

Water Hygiene Activity:

This species also uses water as an apparent cleansing agent. The physical buildings in which humans reside are structured to pull water into the home when a lever is turned for either consumption, or cleaning purposes. Most individuals will place their bodies under a steady stream of water for a short period of time each day while scrubbing different types of gooey substances over their skin. In addition, many individuals will use water to scrub scum buildup off the surfaces of their own objects and homes.

Water Hygiene-Pleasure Activity: “The Bath”

Primarily utilized by the young, many of this species have a special tub inside their home designed solely to hold water for the species to sit in. The vernacular for this activity is “to take a bath.” To take a bath involves a number of different steps. First, the species will plug the drain hole and twist a few levers so that water begins to pour out of the faucet and into the tub. If the species engaging in the bathing activity is young, they will generally also dump a number of colorful plastic items into the water along with a gooey substance that, when interacting with water, becomes a white froth that coats the top of the bath. The young species then proceeds to get into the bath and spill as much of the water outside of the tub as possible by splashing, kicking, hitting the water. The young are usually accompanied by an adult species who attempts to clean them with gooey substances while they shriek and splash.

If the species engaging in the bathing activity is an adult, they may turn the lighting down, light fire on a few lumps of wax, turn on a soundtrack which plays slow melodic instruments, and dump the gooey frothy substance into the bath before getting in. The adult species then proceeds to be as still as possible as they immerse the entirety of their body up to their head under the water and close the thin flesh down over their moist eyeballs. After a period of 20-30 minutes, the adult species generally rubs some gooey substances over their own skin and rinses it off with bath water before pulling the plug from the drain hole and slowly getting out of the tub.

Entry: Ritual practices- The “Wedding”

One particular ritual practice that this species gives a lot of time and attention to is the “wedding.” The wedding is a ceremony with many variable factors, however, is often marked by the following constants:

1. Location: There are two primary locations where a wedding ritual occurs- inside a building marked by two long lines that cross each other in the middle, or somewhere outdoors.
2. Attendance: The average number of species in attendance at wedding events is around 100.
3. Attention given to two primary individuals: In general, two primary individuals are the central focus of the wedding event. One of the individuals will normally be adorned in swaths of white fabric that cover the body from the head to the feet. The other individual will be covered in two distinct cuts of black fabric. After the ceremony detailed below, the two primary individuals tend to demonstrate behavior towards one another that involves much physical contact including mouth mashing, body pressing, and finger entwining.

Two-part ceremony:

First half: For the first half of a wedding ceremony, the species in attendance will sit in rows of chairs all facing the front of the room where a number of individuals covered in black fabric stand in a line parallel to the chairs. The chairs are divided into two sections by an open middle aisle. Once an appropriate amount of time has passed, cadenced music will begin to play and a number of individuals will slowly walk down the aisle in sequence, and then stop and stand at the front of the room. The last person to walk down the aisle is the one adorned in white fabric. When this occurs, all seated species stand up and do not sit back down until the person in white fabric has arrived at the front of the room. Then the person in white fabric grabs hands with the primary person in black fabric and they stare at each other. While this is occurring, one person stands behind them and emits sounds from their mouth for a period of time, every now and then requiring the main individuals to repeat the sounds from their own mouths. At the end, the main individuals will put a small, hollowed circle of metal on each other’s fingers and mash their mouths together, which will cause the species sitting in attendance to repeatedly slam their hands, creating a sharp cracking sound, and emit high pitched cries from their mouths. The same individuals who originally walked down the open aisle will walk back, and this time the species in attendance will follow them.

Second half: The second half of the wedding ceremony generally occurs in a separate space from the first half. During this part of the ritual practice the same individuals will sit at tables laden with solid and liquid sustenance that is consumed in great quantities. After the consumption, loud rhythmic sounds are blasted from large speakers and some of the audience members will gather on a platform close to the speakers and move different parts of their bodies to the rhythm of the sounds. In addition to rhythmic body movements, the species at wedding ceremonies also engage in much communication with one another- primarily by moving their mouths and emitting sounds, but also by frequently throwing their heads back, opening their mouths wide, and letting out high pitched pulses of noise.